I have a confession to make. Well, not really. Because it’s not something I’m ashamed of, or embarrassed about, and will readily admit to anyone who asks or doesn’t. Okay, here goes. I’m addicted to advice columns. God, I love them. I read so many, I could probably be an advice columnist at this point and none of you would know, except that I probably wouldn’t be able to keep quiet about it and wouldn’t have time to write this magnificent blog, or any fiction at all.
It started with Dear Abby, which I’m certain is a gateway drug for this particular addiction. I think I was eight years old when I started reading Dear Abby in the newspaper every morning, and reading it is still a part of my daily routine, though now it’s via email.
When I conceived of this post, I thought of making a list (’cause you know how much I love lists) of my favorite advice columns, but when I really started thinking about it, I could no more rank them than I could tell you which of my children is my favorite. As I just mentioned, I still read Abby (all topics) every day, but I also regularly enjoy Dear Prudence (manners and morals), How to Do It (sex, duh), Care and Feeding (parenting, and once each week, questions specifically about school), Pay Dirt (money), Captain Awkward (uh, relationships and boundaries, I guess? It’s really good. Just read it), and Ask a Manager (work). (Aside: Please DON’T recommend more advice columns. If I take on any more, I will drown in them and not have time for, you know, writing fiction.) There are times when each one is great–the asker’s problem is complex or nuanced, and the advice is fantastic–and other times when each falls flat. I could write a ranking, but next week it could be totally different.
Instead, I give you this list of Things I Have Learned from Advice Columns (in no particular order):
- People are largely terrible. Perhaps this is a thing that doesn’t really need to be said, but, yeah, people suck, and this is the over-arching theme for all advice columns (at one time Slate had a pet advice column, and the theme there was animals are jerks). They probably wouldn’t exist at all if this weren’t true. Now, I do believe most people are good, and we try our best to do good things. But people who aren’t even trying to be terrible often succeed spectacularly. As a writer who writes about people, some terrible and some not, advice columns can be excellent story fodder, and the what-if machine in my head has started whirring more than once after reading one of these letters.
- Brides (and sometimes grooms and mothers) forget the ultimate purpose of a wedding. Some brides need their own largely terrible category, as they seem to be apt to turn their loved ones into props for their “perfect” day. Yes, I get it, weddings are important cultural and societal events, but they are also big business and no one should be spending as much as a house on one. It’s one fucking day. I had a wedding once, albeit twenty-two years ago, and it was far from perfect, but at the end of it I was married (and still am, TO THE SAME PERSON, not to toot my own horn or anything), which should really be the only goal. And despite its imperfection, it’s still one of the three best days of my life.
- You can steal a lot of things, but a baby name isn’t one of them. I have read more letters that say, “I am not pregnant and have no plans to be for a decade, but by cousin’s best friend’s sister, who I know only slightly and see at an event once every two years, is pregnant and has chosen to name her baby Hortense. Well, I was going to name my baby Hortense; the name is very important to me because reasons and NOW MY LIFE IS RUINED. How can I convince this person I barely know to name their baby Zelda instead?”
Look, I know naming a baby is hard (though not as hard as naming characters, yo); I’ve done it twice. It’s the first gift you give your child and it has to last a lifetime. But my God, there were five Jennifers in my senior English class and they all seemed to be okay. We gave our son a name that was the third most popular the year he was born, so for most of his life he has been “First Name Last Initial,” and he is also fine. Names are just what we call each other. It’s not a big deal if your kid shares it with someone else, even if it’s someone you know, like your cousin’s best friend’s sister’s kid. - People in love put up with a lot of bullshit. I know when a letter starts, “My husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is wonderful and charming and kind, BUT…” by the end of it I will be screaming to DTMFA (Dan Savage’s acronym for Dump The MotherFucker Already) by the end. Being wonderful and charming and kind is all great and fantastic, and everything we wish for in a partner, so much so that it can really obfuscate some real red flags, and by that I mean a person who is literally made of red flags. Get out. Now.
- Being an advice columnist is hard. I know we’ve all read these things and thought, “I could do that.” I even alluded to that in the first paragraph. How hard can it be? Hard. Not only do you have to have the life experience to give good advice, it also helps to be witty and smart and empathetic while you give it, and that’s a real challenge. Plus, I read some of these problems and think, I have no idea what I would say, but an advice columnist doesn’t have the luxury of, you know, not giving advice. Sometimes they swing for the fences and miss, but they don’t have a choice about whether to take the pitch.
Despite all this, I will continue to read advice columns, for story ideas and because they make me happy. Do what makes you happy, and if you need advice, you can ask me. I’ll try to help while being empathetic and smart, though witty might be too much to hope for.
Vickie Jarman 