The First of Many Lists

I love lists. All kinds of lists. I love making lists, and have been known to make lists of random things I have already done, just so I can cross them off. True story. My love of list-making doesn’t, however, extend to the grocery store. I am definitely a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-and-forget-half-the-things-we-need sort of shopper. I love reading lists. Not lists of things to read (though those are quite awesome in their own right), but just lists. And if that list is a ranking, I AM DOWN. Just today I read a list of “The 10 Best Kirsten Dunst Movies, Ranked,” on which Interview with the Vampire didn’t even make an appearance, and Bring It On landed at number four, much to my chagrin.

What that means, dear Reader, is you are likely to find a lot of lists here. Whether that is because that lists are how I organize information in my head (it is) or because I crave the distillation of information into moderately-sized chunks accompanied by a number (also this), a good number of my posts are likely to be a list. Today, I give you:

Reasons Writing Sucks

Look, I love writing. I really do. The older I get, the more convinced I become that it is what I was meant to do. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Here are the reasons why writing–though immensely satisfying and often fun–sucks.

1. Procrastination. The only thing writers do better than writing is procrastinate writing. ESSENTIALLY, THIS BLOG AND WEBSITE IS JUST A FANCY PROCRASTINATION TOOL. There. I said it.
   
   Once, while procrastinating, I imagined an argument between the personification of Procrastination–an ugly, slimy beast with multiple tentacles–and the Muse, who I pictured as a slight, willowy thing with long, curly hair–not even a little bit like how I picture my own Muse. I was so captivated by this argument that I did actually write some of it, but I haven’t finished it. When I left, Procrastination was winning, as he usually does.
   
   
2. Naming Characters. Does EVERY character really need a name? The answer, of course, is YES, and it sucks. I hate it when I have a well-drawn character in my head and s/he doesn’t tell me his/her name, because then I have to come up with one. Naming my real-life children was not as hard as this is. When I can’t think of a name and just need to get on with it, I use GIRAFFE as a placeholder. I think the African savanna might have fewer giraffes than one of my current works in progress.
   
   The other thing that happens with male characters specifically, is that I always think: “His name is Tim.” FOR EVERY GUY. I have no idea why, it’s just always been this way. I uncovered some of my early stories (ugh) and nearly all of them have characters named Tim. Whatever Will Be has a character named Tim. Now I tell myself, “HIS NAME IS NOT TIM, VICKIE, YOU CAN’T USE IT EVERY TIME.” Then I slap in a GIRAFFE and move on.
   
   
3. Sex scenes. I have deep admiration for anyone who can write good erotic fiction, because God knows I love reading it (you do, too, don’t lie), but sex scenes are SO HARD TO WRITE. I always think mine seem forced and unnatural. When I know I am approaching a part of my plot that seems it will require one, I dread it and do one of the following: 1) change the lead-up so I can skip it or gloss over it; or 2) write it as quickly as possible and think “I can fix it on rewrite.” Then on rewrite, I go back and change the lead-up so I can skip it or gloss over it. Some do get left in, and I never think they’re very good.
   
   
4. Titles. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TITLE? For most of its existence (more than seventeen years, for those keeping score at home) Whatever Will Be was called “April”–the name of one of the primary characters. When I sent the first draft to beta readers, it was “Untitled.” The title occurred to me in a flash one day and I’m still not sold on it. Another work-in-progress is called “Laura,” again, after one of the primary characters. I can’t keep doing this. These aren’t American Girl novels.
   
   This hard-titling thing is not true for every writer. I have a writer colleague who almost always comes up with a title first, and they are SPECTACULAR. He writes titles that make me say “I really want to read that.” I wish I could do that. I am insanely jealous.
   
   
5. WRITING IS HARD. Oh, man, is it ever.
   
   Writer’s block hits hard and often, and takes many forms. Sometimes, I can’t think of a single thing to put on the page, but more often, I can picture the scene perfectly in my head, and when I put it on the page, there’s something not quite right about it. And that something is everything.
   
   Writing–by its very nature–is a lonely business, performed by a solitary person in the space between their brain and (usually) a computer screen. Sure, there are several people talking in my head, but no one can hear them but me, and I know they only exist insofar as I have created them. When things go horribly wrong–as they are often wont to do–the list of people who understand the frustration is often slim. That’s where it helps to have a friend to commiserate with, and also to share joys and triumphs, which happen less often but make the whole business worth it.
   
   So yeah, writing is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it. If you plow through the hard, you just might get to the place where the magic happens.
   

How’s that for a list? See you again soon. Until next time, do what makes you happy.